Loss
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You never know how you will react to loss until you are faced head on with it. Until you have left your apartment and are walking through the parking lot, working to find your way through the sea of cars to your little red Toyota. The sound of your feet hitting the hard pavement is attempting to sing a duet with the rumbling of your stomach, and you’re thinking about how cold you are as autumn makes its slow descent into winter. How bothersome that the weather is so terrible, and that you had to park at the back of the parking lot because there were no open spots closer to your apartment, and that you have nothing to make for dinner and are now having to go out in this dreadful weather to spend money on crappy fast food.
You reach your car, grabbing for the handle to the door, which of course is cold to the touch. You get into the driver seat, and you immediately turn your car on, waiting for the heat to begin blowing out of the vents. God, how you wish that your car would heat up faster. It never fails to annoy you how long it takes your car to heat up. You turn the radio on, bouncing from station to station in the hope that you will find one that is satisfactory. Y ou recognize your mood, and you laugh to yourself that the seasonal depression must be hitting you, twisting your emotions and making you feel a sense of sadness, though nothing specific has happened that has caused you to feel this way.
You are in the habit of placing your phone in the cupholder closest to the driver seat as soon as you enter your car, so when it begins buzzing, you immediately grab it. You read the caller ID, confused as to why this person would be calling you. You answer the call, and you greet them with a simple “Hello”. At first, the conversation consists of small talk. And then, as the conversation progresses, you begin to wonder at how tired you are. How much the weather is truly affecting you. Do you need to get your ears checked? Unless you were mistaken, which you definitely were, you were just told that Cole, your friend that you’ve known your entire time at college, has passed away. It feels like yesterday that he came right up to you and introduced himself, immediately calling you a silly name and making a joke that will forever make you laugh when you think about it. But they’re lying to you. You know that this is all just a silly prank, and you tell them that this is not a funny joke. They’re lying to you. You begin to laugh, hoping that if you attempt to find the humor in this joke that you can forget someone would ever tell you such a hurtful thing. Because they’re lying to you. They have to be lying. You just saw Cole last week, healthy as can be, and you remember how he called you over just to ask you how you were doing.
You say your goodbyes and set your phone back in its spot in the cupholder. You look out of the windshield at the multitude of cars parked around your own car. A couple of people meander through the parking lot, in search of where they may have parked. If Cole was truly no longer here, then why do they look okay? Why is everyone still acting perfectly normal? Suddenly, you realize that the air blowing from your vents is warm. Your excitement is not present in the way that it would have been before that phone call, but you put your car in reverse regardless, positioning your hands on the steering wheel in a way that allows the warm air to blow directly on them.
As you begin to pull out of the parking lot, you decide to call your mom. Although you know for a fact that Cole is not dead, you feel as though your mom will help you feel better anyway. You are surprised that when your mom answers the call, instead of saying “Hello”, you say “Cole is gone”. And you are surprised at the fact that breathing just got much harder, and that there are tears streaming down your face to the extent that recognizing where the lines on the road are is nearly impossible. You attempt to explain the situation to your mom, but find it difficult due to the fact that you still don’t quite believe it. She asks what you need, she asks if you want her to come get you, and you begin to justify your friendship with Cole. Well obviously you weren’t super close friends, but you were still friends, and obviously you didn’t do everything together, but you did some things together, and that still counts, right?
But wait. You have to get food. You’re on your way to get food, and the consistent rumbling of your stomach ensures that you do not forget that simple fact. You inform your mom of this, and you can hear the concern laced in her voice when she provides you with the simple response of, “Okay..” So you say goodbye to your mom, and she tells you to call her if you need anything, anything at all.
But the only thing that you need is for someone to sit you down and tell you that Cole is not gone, and a part of you knows that no one is going to do that, because no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, Cole is not going to be sitting at his usual table on campus come Monday. He is not going to ask how you are doing, and you are going to walk by the table and think about how you should have been the one asking how he was doing, how you should have taken more time to talk to him, and how you should have worked harder to repay his kindness.
You do not remember the drive back to your apartment, or what your food tasted like, and you do not pay attention to the weather or where you parked. You do, however, remember the feeling of grief finally setting in, nestling in and tucking itself against your heart. You can feel the pain deep in your bones, as if you ran a marathon and your body is sore, but instead of physical exertion causing this soreness, it is the simple fact that you will never hear his voice again. You will never see his smile again, and you will forever wonder how you could have changed your last interaction with him for the better.
You are overly aware of the fact that no matter how much time passes, his death will never truly feel real. You consistently think about how such a kind soul was taken from this cruel world, and how you will never again meet someone who was so unafraid of what others thought of them. As the time passes, you reminisce daily on your memories with him, and you smile to yourself at the thought of what his reaction would be to you grieving him. You know that he would make a joke about everyone crying over him, and that you would laugh in response, and that everything would be okay again.
You attend his funeral, and you are surrounded by love from those who loved Cole. You are able to recognize the impact that Cole had on everyone around him, and how he was a light in the lives of everyone he met. Everyone in attendance recognized the same thing about Cole, “He was the kindest person”. You know that when you think of Cole, you will remember him for his joyous attitude no matter the circumstances, his kindness toward everyone he met, and how he never failed to brighten your day. You will remember him for the white “Cowpoke” hat that he always wore, for the way he propped his feet up on the table, for the way that he was always smiling.
You vow to yourself that you will be more like Cole, the kind of person who brightens others’ days, that radiates a sense of genuineness, and that people feel as though they can go to talk with whenever they need advice or a reason to smile. You will never forget the care that Cole displayed for everyone around him, and how he never took things too seriously. He will forever be in your heart, and his sense of humor and love toward those around him will forever be in your memories.
Cole Barnes was the kindest soul. His goofy and friendly personality never failed to make those around him smile. He never failed to check in on his loved ones and make sure that they were doing okay, and he lit up any room that he walked in to. He lived his life with a contagious and carefree attitude and was never scared of judgment. His loss was felt deeply by his loving family and friends, and there is no doubt that we all feel blessed to have called him a friend, a brother, or a son. He will forever live in our memories and our hearts. Cole, thank you for being the reason that I always felt like I had someone to turn to.
